Compelled

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Thursday, January 31, 2013




I don’t know what it is that draws me nearer to you
It is like a magnetism that has no further pull than our inherent concentricity
It is an electrical current that runs ever so swiftly through my entire being
I am ignited by the very essence of you

I don’t know what it is that locks me in to your orbit
It is a gravity that pushes me to pull you closer inside my depths
It is the mechanism of union and the locomotion of energy
I am set ablaze by the bottom of the blue-core flame of you
There is nothing I can do to be set free from you
I don’t ever want to go away from your side

Rebel Student

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Monday, January 28, 2013


The student/apprentice that I am always feels the need to rebel against the teacher. It is a way of exerting intellectual independence counter to all the lessons taught and learned, expressing the internal truth I have within myself , expressing my own intelligence and it works this way, which is not always your way, the taught-to-be right way. I recognize this rebellion yet do not try to temper it. It is my learned behavior of learning.
I am learning to come to understand in the teachers way now, with totality and without feint.

Committed

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Friday, January 25, 2013

*this is an excerpt from a journal entry from January 1998, written as an self-exposition on a personal issue I needed to express and I felt strongly about and is still relevant today. After spending years on improving myself and my relationships, I now rest happily being the Master/Student always ready to learn and continue to evolve even further into my joyous Higher Self. I hope that by sharing this entry and exposing a deep layer of myself, it may give you the freedom to choose to do the same and stake your own claim to reach inside yourself and grow. Thank you for allowing me to share with you and if you find this helps you in anyway, feel free to comment and let me know. Live on!
-M


I accept the fact that I have commitment issues. Not some superficial explanations of my relationship shortcomings but a real and deeper exploration of my relationship issues. I am doing this so that I can love wholly and completely and without pretense or apprehension, and, above all else, without fear. I know that I hold many things back when involved with someone that later come out in other ways destructively, both to the relationship and to myself. My masochistic side comes from this and out of this. I do not want to continue ending up in the same situation, the same old story. How many times do I have to try and tell myself that I am sorry for myself when I have laid these traps in front of myself, in spite of myself? I cannot fathom enduring another sweeping heartbreak when I have aimed the stinging arrow in my own direction. It is a bed of thorns that I have become well adjusted to laying in. I'd much rather sleep in billows of clouds now, a much deserved solace from these self-endured misgivings in relationships.

Someone said to me once that I “am an answer to a prayer”. What a line to follow! What a commitment to the belief! Am I really an answer to something as big and sweeping as a prayer? I am scared to ponder and even more afraid to know if I am indeed the answer one seeks to questions or even prayers. I don’t know if I’m allowing my relationship shortcomings to stop me or if I am willing to be brave enough to take a leap forward. I haven’t had any success in creating new lasting love relationships that I want and desire to commit to, through my own volition, and admission. I am certain it is because I have been building grand walls against hurt and against rejection, and lined in these walls I find complacency and a sickly sweet melancholy. I have also instilled a smart little system for myself when it comes to love relationships that will always and most certainly hit a delicate glass ceiling simply because it "works", to no advantage to my Heart (or theirs for that matter).  It is a failing substitution and yet a proven way to strengthen up my resolve against romantic heartache and pain, a means to becoming an expert brush off artist or the ultimate emotional masochist when it comes to love. 

I have built up a standard that no one has yet come to fit. This standard is the ultimate illusion, and I cannot continue to resign myself to adhere to it. If I am such an open-minded and unconditionally accepting person who does not carry or harbor judgments before me in all areas of my life, why is it that I allow myself to seek this illusion in love?  How can I expect to be accepted without conditions and on the basis of "who I am" when I see these illusions as a reality and where I ecstatically seek it?  This is a grave disservice and I do not want to continue to participate in it and give it energy to live. I have built up a standard of which I am not allowing myself to be fit to receive and fit to give in equal, balanced measure by this illusion. I accept and admit that I have fallen in love with these illusions time and again and I know better now.

I am letting all of these emotions and experiences (past and present) out and letting it all go, finally freeing myself from the confines of being a boxed-in, committed love junkie. I now step forward into a fully realized existence where I am nurturing and eliminating any pain I have caused myself and my Heart, where there is no blame placed or victims pained, only champions of evolution and growth. I have learned and I am learning, always the apprentice even when I am a master. Presently and going forward, I will always honor my Heart and my Love and allow these gifts to bloom without barriers and without fail.

I deserve it.

Knots

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Thursday, January 24, 2013


At the very thought of what you represent
You put my stomach in knots and stir an ache so deep
There is no escape; I am trapped within my own womb by the seed you have planted
Within me
Who is to know what will blossom in my private garden or
What weeds will grow; how can you tender me to nurture the Idea that has been
Awakened
I cannot give it safe passage because my core betrays it with a simple thought of you
Twisted and tied against the unchain joy of what this new birth brings
You put me on an edge above the precipice of beginnings
Only to wretch against the impending final moment
Imagined

There is nothing more real than the happiness that you promise and the fear of not ever having it again that keeps me twisted in this mess of emotions playing false tricks on my expanding mind and my growing heart. There is nothing more real than the true possibility of Forever and the true fact of Never. There is only this moment this thought this feeling of wonder and opportunity to fall so deep into You that I will be lost forever tied up in knots so tight and intricate entwined in a bond unbreakable not even time can separate the two. Minds and hearts and bodies tongue-twisted and tied up in endlessly seamless, interwoven knots of each Other.


One More Time

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Wednesday, January 23, 2013


My goodness how I have thought of you
I remember those nights that I used to sit and long for you,
How could I forget the way it felt to ache to hear
your voice and see you
Just one more time

My goodness how I have thought of you
I would open up the chasms deep inside
And let you back in
What more could there be in this world to fill the void
The joy of being so connected in commiseration with you
Just one more time

Evolution Resolution

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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

During this time of year, fresh off the heels of New Year celebrations and revelry, everybody starts talking about the changes they intend to bring in with them and implement. These changes, or resolutions, most of the time get lost and forgotten within months. We get bombarded by the media by "resolution stories" to the point of annoyance (to me).

I don't make resolutions, I make choices of evolution.
I intend to continue to change the way I conduct my life on many levels. I intend to make change in how I serve the world and my community. I intend to further embrace my creativity and my commitment to it and its expansion. I intend to strengthen my business so that it evolves and grows exponentially. I intend to grow my personal relationships and always express my love and adoration to those who are dear to me. I intend to continue to explore the world around me and share my point of view of it with you. I intend to always have an open heart, an open mind, and open eyes so that I will always see the good surrounding me, feel the infinite good around me, and to do it with my own style.

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The Beam Shines On

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It doesn't matter the time, incident, or place because Love will always be present and will always heal. time is irrelevant and has no bearing when it comes to loss or pain or strife because Love will come in and will always heal. life ebbs and flows and continues on because Love will always be present and will always heal. it is a gun with a beam of Divine Lovelight and it shines on. Forever.

I point it at you, at me, at the world, at the Universe. I point the Beam of Love.

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