Committed

*this is an excerpt from a journal entry from January 1998, written as an self-exposition on a personal issue I needed to express and I felt strongly about and is still relevant today. After spending years on improving myself and my relationships, I now rest happily being the Master/Student always ready to learn and continue to evolve even further into my joyous Higher Self. I hope that by sharing this entry and exposing a deep layer of myself, it may give you the freedom to choose to do the same and stake your own claim to reach inside yourself and grow. Thank you for allowing me to share with you and if you find this helps you in anyway, feel free to comment and let me know. Live on!

-M

I accept the fact that I have commitment issues. Not some superficial explanations of my relationship shortcomings but a real and deeper exploration of my relationship issues. I am doing this so that I can love wholly and completely and without pretense or apprehension, and, above all else, without fear. I know that I hold many things back when involved with someone that later come out in other ways destructively, both to the relationship and to myself. My masochistic side comes from this and out of this. I do not want to continue ending up in the same situation, the same old story. How many times do I have to try and tell myself that I am sorry for myself when I have laid these traps in front of myself, in spite of myself? I cannot fathom enduring another sweeping heartbreak when I have aimed the stinging arrow in my own direction. It is a bed of thorns that I have become well adjusted to laying in. I'd much rather sleep in billows of clouds now, a much deserved solace from these self-endured misgivings in relationships.

Someone said to me once that I “am an answer to a prayer”. What a line to follow! What a commitment to the belief! Am I really an answer to something as big and sweeping as a prayer? I am scared to ponder and even more afraid to know if I am indeed the answer one seeks to questions or even prayers. I don’t know if I’m allowing my relationship shortcomings to stop me or if I am willing to be brave enough to take a leap forward. I haven’t had any success in creating new lasting love relationships that I want and desire to commit to, through my own volition, and admission. I am certain it is because I have been building grand walls against hurt and against rejection, and lined in these walls I find complacency and a sickly sweet melancholy. I have also instilled a smart little system for myself when it comes to love relationships that will always and most certainly hit a delicate glass ceiling simply because it "works", to no advantage to my Heart (or theirs for that matter).  It is a failing substitution and yet a proven way to strengthen up my resolve against romantic heartache and pain, a means to becoming an expert brush off artist or the ultimate emotional masochist when it comes to love. 

I have built up a standard that no one has yet come to fit. This standard is the ultimate illusion, and I cannot continue to resign myself to adhere to it. If I am such an open-minded and unconditionally accepting person who does not carry or harbor judgments before me in all areas of my life, why is it that I allow myself to seek this illusion in love?  How can I expect to be accepted without conditions and on the basis of "who I am" when I see these illusions as a reality and where I ecstatically seek it?  This is a grave disservice and I do not want to continue to participate in it and give it energy to live. I have built up a standard of which I am not allowing myself to be fit to receive and fit to give in equal, balanced measure by this illusion. I accept and admit that I have fallen in love with these illusions time and again and I know better now.

I am letting all of these emotions and experiences (past and present) out and letting it all go, finally freeing myself from the confines of being a boxed-in, committed love junkie. I now step forward into a fully realized existence where I am nurturing and eliminating any pain I have caused myself and my Heart, where there is no blame placed or victims pained, only champions of evolution and growth. I have learned and I am learning, always the apprentice even when I am a master. Presently and going forward, I will always honor my Heart and my Love and allow these gifts to bloom without barriers and without fail.

I deserve it.