Tale of the Body Thief

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I cannot even begin to tell you how many years I have lived with the thoughts that live in my "sex mind". All I know that it has been far too many years and it has been far too long since I have actually allowed myself to free these thoughts (and feelings) from their self-imposed prison and set them about out into the world. Oh, how I have often wondered what would happen if I had set them free: 
What would become of me? What would these thoughts and feelings portray me as to the world? What would become of these thoughts once set free and given the freedom to actually be? What would happen if I gave this mind its own space, its own "body", would it this mind conduct itself in a manner most becoming? Who in their right mind would even do this?

It is these, along with many more questions that rage in my "rational mind" all of the time when I pontificate about its "other self", my "sex mind". And, like my "rational mind", I have actually given my "sex mind" its space to grow, albeit under the guise of intellectualism, going so far as studying it in college at the Masters level in Human Sexuality from a Cultural Anthropology point of view. What I studied I found extremely fascinating and quite fulfilling in its way. At times though, as study and science go, it was done with a sense of detachment which I think is par for the course in order to reasonable deduce whatever theory or observation that was going on at the time. At the same time, I was in fact exploring my own inner self through this disguise, and nothing in all of my studies could outweigh the actual fact that I was the ultimate case study; I was doing all of this intellectual searching of my own "sex mind" and trying to come to a place of understanding of how it works inside and outside of me.

I have had a lot of sexual experience, which is not surprising nor uncommon when you live in a modern world and in a modern way. I also have had these experiences in various states of insight and outsight and no sight at all. Most of the time I have spent (and continue to spend) having sex has always been about finding out about myself. Not any self that is on the surface, or any self that is a few layers deeper, but the self that exists down deep in the chasms and in the abyss, the very core. All of these sexual (and life) experiences I have had (and continue to have) all come from that part of me--the Real Self.
Of course, I have felt these experiences through my body and through my mind, simultaneously and pleasurably. But I have come to realize that the mind at that very moment wasn't my everyday-rational-intellectual-socialized mind but its own separate entity, my passionate-libertine-emotional-sensational-boundless sex mind. In this realization, I feel like my body has been thieved upon countless, endless times, taken over and subjected to moments of utter greatness and to moments of utter dullness so blinding and complexly simple that I'm left to wonder, how did I come so far to this point for so long to only see it now...and what else have I failed to see along the way? 

In truth, I have shed no tears about this outwardly but have come to see that I have shed many layers of an outer self along the way to come further into being the self I am today. And this self is ever evolving, which I am thankful for. Now, I have come to know that my "sex mind" is not another entity separate but is at the root of my Real Self. I have come to integrate my "sex mind" and my "rational mind". These two work wonders together, conjoined in soulful bliss and on a mission to evolve me to higher highs (and heights). For so long I have never really given my "sex mind" its rightful conscious space but I am giving it due space now, to allow it to have its voice heard and to it a living body of which it can be vital and move about in. And since I know my "sex mind" has moved me along as steadfastly as my "rational mind" has for all this time, I know that integrated together, these two minds of mine work as one to Live passionately and Love unconditioned, eternally.


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